BIZZARE BLEACH BONANZA
by tilldeathdouspart789
Summary: Odd drabbles with the Bleach cast. Rated T.
1. Chapter 1

BIZARRE BLEACH BONANZA!

To all you folks out there!

Do you feel bored of reading Fanfics?

Do you want a change?

Then…Come here!

The BIZARRE BLEACH BONANZA wants YOUR ideas!

If they are serious, humorous…ANYTHING!

They could be about anything and everything!

Just send me what you want to see/ your ideas!

Anything to do with the BLEACH cast!

Small Drabbles, here and there about anything you desire!

ANY pairing.

ANY where

ANY body

ANY time!

(Anybody, who is willing to join me on my quest, is happy to join!)

PLEASE! Push that BIG GREEN BUTTON SAYIN REVIEW

Or

P.M ME!

Thanks! Yours Sincerely,

TILLDEATHDOUSPART789

P.S- I could write it from a song, a poem, a…Anything! Honestly, just tell me anything you want and I shall try my BEST!

(The only condition, is that it has to be something about BLEACH)


	2. Recorded messages

**Want a Bizarre Bleach Bonanza? You have come to the right place! Well…If you have an odd humour, such as I, then this is your place, but if you have a serious *yawn* humour, then…I suggest you leave. Just for the record, I was very bored and hyper, so it may not make sense heck, it might not even be funny. Just a few incidents with the favourite Recorded phone message! And the odd reactions from the Characters of Bleach. ENJOY!**

Bleach and Recorded messages.

Ulquiorra: Hello?

R.M: Congratulations! You have won a free holiday to Hawaii! To receive this offer, press 1!

Ulquiorra drops the phone and approached Starrk

Starrk: What?

Ulquiorra: The phone said to press you.

Starrk: Oh, come on! I have bruises because of that F***ing phone!

Ulquiorra: I guess it doesn't like you…

* * *

Nel: HEELLOOO!?

R.M: Congratulations! You have won a trip to Hueco Mundo! To receive this offer, press 3!

Nel: But I alweady twipped in Hueco Mundo! I've twipped freehundwed and seventyeight times dis week! And how can I pwess myself?

* * *

Grimmjow: Yeah?

R.M: Hello, lucky listener! You have won £700!

Grimmjow: Go to hell! CERO!

BOOM!

Harribel: It seems we need yet another phone!

Szayel: Grimmjow destroyed another one?

Harribel: Yep.

Szayel: That makes 45 this week!

Harribel: I think we should ask Aizen to keep him away from the next phone…

Szayel: I doubt Grimmjow will listen…He isn't the only one who is mad with these messages…

Harribel: Oh?

Szayel: Starrk says that he is technophobic…He says the phone doesn't like him.

Harribel: Why?

Szayel: He says that it tells people to press him.

Harribel: Choose us to get perverted phones…

* * *

Byakuya: Hello?

R.M: Congratulations! You have won a trip to Hell!

Byakuya: Scatter. Senbonsakura.

Renji: What's wrong, captain Kuchiki?

Byakuya: The phone told me to go to Hell. By the way. Tell Kisuke I need a new phone. And not an impolite one.

Byakuya: Hello?

Ichigo: Hey! Kisuke told me to check if your phone was working!

Byakuya: Scatter. Senbonsakura.

Ichigo: Hey! What the HELL?

Renji: Did it happen, again?

Byakuya: Worse. I…Don't want to talk about it. Tell Kisuke to get me another phone. And this time, don't give Kurosaki my number…

* * *

Rangiku: Helloooo?

R.M: Congratulations lucky winner! You have won a vacation to Hawaii!

Rangiku: Eeeeepppp! Captain! Can I get a vacation?

Toshiro: No.

Rangiku: But why?

Toshiro: Because you still haven't finished that paperwork I asked you to do…Three weeks ago!

Rangiku: Tch…I was getting round to it…

Rangiku hung up the phone and slumped at her desk.

* * *

Rukia: Kuchiki, here.

R.M: We are having a super sale on stuffed toys this week…

Rukia: ….And?

R.M: Chappy's only 50 yen!

Rukia shrieked: Chappy!!! Ichigo!

She ran to Ichigo and grabbed his wrist.

Ichigo: Rukia!? What the hell!?

Rukia: We're going to the store. NOW!

She dropped the phone on the desk.

R.M: Available in stores anywhere but Tokyo or surrounding towns.

Poor Rukia…

* * *

Starrk: Yeah?

R.M: Congratulations! You have...

Starrk: Shut the F*** up! I have had enough of this torture!

He grabbed a chair and destroyed the phone.

He clapped his hands and smirked.

Starrk: There! All finished!

Szayel: pftpftpftpft…!(Trying to hold his laughter.) I knew hooking this phone up with that one will show useful!

* * *

Hollow: ROOAAAARRRR!

_Ring ring_

Hollow finds a phone and answers: Rowr?

R.M: Congratulations! You have won a free car!

Hollow: Rowr?

R.M: To redeem this prize, all you have to do is take in your old car and we will part-exchange!

Hollow coughed-up a pile of metal and carried it to the station.

Man: Sorry sir, but we cannot exchange that car for this one…

Hollow: Grrrrrrr!

Man: Sorry! No can do!

Hollow: RROOAARR!!

Man: I consider a breath mint?

He handed it to the hollow.

The hollow licked its lips and ate it.

Hollow:Mmmmm!

Man: Yeah! Wait until the after taste! It's like heaven!

Hollow: Hm?

Coughs it up and eats the man instead before heading back to Hueco Mundo.

Ulquiorra: What's wrong, Harribel?

Harribel: I ate something crappy…I think I might hurl.

Ulquiorra: Oh…Sorry I asked…

Harribel: Damn humans…They always have a sickly after-taste!

**Review, please! :P**


	3. TV ads VS Arrancars

**Do you feel pissed off by T.V ads? How do you think the Arrancars feel. This is a little drabble about the arrancars and their sanity ruined by T.V ads! (It just makes you think how we might end up...)**

**T.V. Adverts V.S Arrancar**

T.V ad: Selling your car? Well here's some great news at

Harribel: Oh, for f*** sake! Not another one! Any more and my heads going to melt!

Ulquiorra: I know how you feel…

Harribel: But I thought you found these T.V ads interesting?

Ulquiorra: I do. It's just Grimmjow keeps on singing that damn song and it is driving me F***ing nuts!

Grimmjow: -any, any, any, !

Ulquiorra: Will you shut the hell up!

Grimmjow: Make me!

Ulquiorra: Oh, I will!

Ulquiorra ponced at Grimmjow and began punching and kicking him.

Harribel:*sigh*…Those two were sane, before that damn advert aired…

Szayel: CERO!

Szayel struck the T.V with a powerful Cero.

Harribel: *sigh*…We also had 14 before this one. It's like the phone incident all over again…

* * *

Grimmjow: Anymake, anymodel, anyage, anyprice!

Grimmjow sang, running slowly away from Ulquiorra

Ulquiorra: I hope you're still talking about those cars!

Grimmjow: If you want me to stop, you have to catch me!!

Grimmjow ran out the room and pulled faces at Ulquiorra.

* * *

Aizen: Hhmmm…These adverts are really believable…

Tousen: Why don't we make an ad, Sosuke?

Aizen: Good idea!

Ulquiorra: Noooo!! Please, lord Aizen! I can't stand these ads!

Szayel: Destroy all adverts!

Harribel: I can't believe all the Arrancars were sane before these adverts…Now it seems I'm the only sane one in the whole place…

* * *

Szayel: Hey, Harribel! You're going to be the lead in the ad!

Harribel: WHAT!? I want to stay SANE thank you very much!

Szayel: Aizen's order!

Harribel: Szayel, shut the hell up!

Szayel: You shut the hell up!

Harribel: You can't tell me what to do! I am superior to you!

Szayel: Oh yeah? So why don't you want to do the ad?

Harribel: Because I want to stay sane! S-A-N-E!

Szayel: What's so fun about sanity? I prefer Insanity, myself! It's a whole lot more fun!

* * *

Grimmjow: Any, any, any, any!

Ulquiorra: Get back here you Bastard!

Grimmjow: Look who's talking!

Ulquiorra: If Aizen wouldn't mind, I would blow your head off with a CERO!

* * *

Loli: Can I be a dancer?

Menoly: Me, too?

Loli: We can dance! We have a routine, watch!

Harribel: This isn't happening…

Loli: Weeeeee!!!

Menoly: Loli! Watch out!

Loli: Eeekkk!

The two landed with a thud.

Harribel: Sorry girls, but there isn't going to be an ad!

Loli: Aaawww!

* * *

Ulquiorra: Grimmjow! Come back here!

Grimmjow: Miss me, miss me, now you gotta kiss me!

Ulquiorra: You son of a b****!

Grimmjow: Hahahaha!

Ulquiorra: Come 'ere!!!

* * *

Harribel: Ohhh…God, please help me. Save me from these insane Arrancars whom I have to deal with every second of my life!

Gin: Looks like you're pissed off by them, too?

Harribel: I would really like to go and kill those people in the ads…

Gin: Well, nobody's stopping you!

* * *

T.V ad: Just one cornetto! Give it to m-Aarrgghhh!

Szayel: DIE YOU FILTHY T.V A-Hey! Look! It's Harribel!

Ulquiorra and Grimmjow stopped in their brawl to look at Harribel on the T.V ad.

Grimmjow: Hey! Harribel's on the ad! How the hell did she get in the T.V?

Ulquiorra: You truly are thick, aren't you? Look! She's eating the guy's head off!

The three men watched in awe, as the female Arrancar destroyed the ad. She ran up to the camera and smirked.

Camera man: Hey! What the hell do you think you're doing!?

Harribel: To all those people out there! I am sick and tired of being the only sane one in here! GET A LIFE!

The director tapped her on the back and she roared into his face, causing him to faint.

Ulquiorra: Yeah, she's sane? I think she has it backwards!

**Any ideas are welcome! Hope you enjoyed this chapter. **


	4. Axelarate

**A request from blackteaplease. I hope it's alright...Tell me what you think, please!**

**Axel-arate**

Ichigo: Come on you guys! We need to get going, now!

Rukia: Oh, calm down, Ichigo! We're coming!

Renji: Hey! Wait for me!

Ichigo: Tatsuki!

Tatsuki: I'm coming, I'm coming! Sheesh! I wish I was in Orihime's car…She and the others must be there, now…

Ichigo: Everybody ready?

Rukia, Renji, Tatsuki: Let's go!

Ichigo: Alright…

Ichigo started up the car. It spat and juttered, until the engine powered up. He revved it, before driving out the garage. They were on the road. Finally!

Renji listened to his 'crappy' music, Tatsuki was using grippers and Rukia was reading the map, trying to figure where they were and what way the map goes. Leaving Ichigo to drive.

Rukia: Which way does this damn map go?

Ichigo: There should be a compass at the top. North should be up.

After a few minutes, she had the map the right way.

Rukia: Got it!

Tatsuki: Rukia, why did you take a map? Ichigo knows this route, anyway!

Rukia: Now you tell me…

Ichigo: D'you think Orihime and the others are there?

Tatsuki: I'll call her.

Tatsuki drew out her phone and dialled a number.

Tatsuki: Hello? Hi Orihime! Where abouts are you?

Ichigo: Something's wrong here…

Rukia: Why?

Ichigo: It's not driving as smoothly as it should be…

Tatsuki: Alright, see ya there!

Tatsuki hung up.

Rukia: well?

Tatsuki: They've stopped at a gas station. It seems Uryu has diarrhoea…

Ichigo scrunched up his face: We all know why _that_ is, right?

Rukia, Tatsuki, Ichigo: Orihime's cooking!

Renji: WHAT!?

Tatsuki slapped Renji across the face: Turn your music down, FOOL!

Renji: WHAT!?

They headed to a country lane. The car started to jutter, then came to a complete stop.

Ichigo: Awww, for f*** sake! Not now!

Rukia: What happened?

Tatsuki: I'll check…

She jumped out the car and looked under the bonnet. She then checked the underside of the car.

Renji leaned his head out the window: YOU FIND ANYTHING!?

Rukia: Renji, turn off your damn music!

Tatsuki: The Axel's broken.

Ichigo: You're kidding!?

Tatsuki: Nope…Looks like we'll be stuck here for a while…

Renji jumped out the car: I gotta go pee!

Ichigo: Do it behind a bush or tree…not in view.

Renji: But….

Ichigo: Faaar away from here!

Renji nodded and ran behind a tree: Oh! Yeeaah!

Rukia sweatdropped: We don't really want sound-effects…

Ichigo: I'll call a tow truck…

He dialled on his phone. The other end beeped.

Ichigo: Yeah, hello? We need a tow truck…The car Axel's broken. When is your quickest arrival?...Alright, thanks.

He snapped his phone shut and looked at Tatsuki

Tatsuki: Well?

Ichigo: The quickest they can get here is about an hour and a half.

Tatsuki: WHAT!? We have to stay here for an hour and a half!?

Renji: Aaahhhh!

Rukia: I hope he shuts up soon…

Ichigo: *sigh*…Guess we are stuck here for the time being…

Tatsuki: I'm hungry…

Rukia: Hey! Orihime cooked us some food for the trip!

Rukia ran to the boot and took out a picnic basket. Inside, was…

Ichigo turned green: Sashimi, wasabi sauce, chocolate sauce, eggplant, red bean paste…

Tatsuki: All of a sudden, I don't feel hungry anymore…

Rukia: Hhmmm…Maybe I should have asked Yuzu to cook us something, instead…

Renji: I smell food!

He ran to the picnic basket and stuffed his face with the…concoction.

The others watched with green and pale faces.

Renji lifted his head: Wot? U ant fum of fis?

He handed them some sashimi with chocolate sauce and red bean paste on it. Yumm…

Tatsuki almost threw up. Rukia…_did_ throw up.

Ichigo: Renji! Put it away or shove it in your gob!

Rukia suddenly felt very sick. She ran behind a bush and hurled.

Ichigo: Rukia, you alright?

Rukia: Uuhhh…Never better…

She strolled out from behind the bush, with a very green face.

Ichigo: Rukia!

Tatsuki: This is not turning out to be a good trip!

Renji walked up to the three, holding his stomach: Ooohhh…I don't feel so good…

He ran behind a tree and stayed there.

Ichigo shook his head: Serves him right for eating Orihime's cooking!

Tatsuki: How long to go, now?

Rukia's face turned pale.

Ichigo: About…an hour.

Tatsuki: Oh, for f*** sake! Hurry up!!

_Ring! Ring!_

Tatsuki flipped open her phone: Hello? Oh, hi Orihime…Yeah, we're fine.

Orihime: You should be here! Where are you, guys?

Tatsuki: Well…The Axel broke….Renji ate your food and has Diarrhoea, Rukia doesn't feel so good, I'm losing my nut and Ichigo is stressing out.

Orihime: Oh, dear! Well, get here soon! Send the others my apology.

Tatsuki: See you later…

Tatsuki hung up and sighed.

Tatsuki: They're already there. And Orihime apologises for her cooking.

Rukia: I…Don't feel too good…

Ichigo: This is just f***ing great! We've been stuck here for 45 f***ing minutes, we're all f***ing pissed off and we still have to wait another 45 F***ing minutes!

Tatsuki: Calm down, Ichigo. Are you alright, Rukia?

Rukia: Yeah…I can't believe this. Shinigamis don't usually eat or look at food that horrible…

Renji: I hear ya! Oooohhhhh….!

40 minutes later…

Ichigo's slamming his head against the car bonnet, Rukia's throwing up behind a bush, Renji still hasn't come out from behind the tree and Tatsuki is having difficulty keeping sane.

The sound of a truck could be heard in the distance.

Tatsuki stood up: Hey! The truck! It's here!

Ichigo lifted his head, Rukia came out of the bush, Renji stayed put.

The three waved to the truck: Hey!

As the truck stopped, a man hopped out.

Man: Sorry we're late! We had another round.

He clipped the front of the car to the truck.

Tatsuki ran to the man: Thank you!

Renji finally came out from hiding, with a sad face: I still don't feel right…

Rukia's complexion had returned to normal.

Man: Come on, guys! Let's get you to your destination!

Tatsuki and Renji climbed into the car and Ichigo and Rukia climbed into the truck.

Man: You on a double date?

He started up the truck and began driving.

Ichigo and Rukia blushed.

Rukia: We're just friends!

Man: Oh, just friends, eh? Okay, whatever you say! Here we are!

The group's mouths dropped.

Ichigo: We were…Right out the town…?

Rukia: We could have walked?

Renji: All that for nothing?

Tatsuki: We could have just walked a few meters to the town?

The group: I am sooo pissed off right now!

Man: sorry…!

Orihime: Hey guys! What took you so long?

Uryu: It looks like Ichigo has lost his sanity…

Chad: So have the others…

The group laughed.

Ichigo: I want to go to bed…

Rukia: Right behind ya…

Tatsuki: Yeah

Renji: I feel hungry...

On the way back…

Tatsuki: I'm glad the car was fixed!

_Chchchchchnk!_

Ichigo looked round to the others: Please tell me that was just a noise…

Rukia: Here we go again…

**Oh dear...Please Review! Any requests are appreciated! **


End file.
